Excruciatingly Large Things

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Mu Haiku: The Impact of Jesus' Testicles
on the Future of Crucifixion Idolatry

→ by Danieru
Mu Haiku is back!

If infamy is a viral infection then Jesus is surely the memetic common cold, clogging up the nostrils of civilisation since year nought. This guy was such a fly in the ointment of empire that simply killing him was not enough for the Roman legions. They decided to nail his ass to a wooden cross beam, expose his manhood to the universe, and bar his virginal followers from ever touching his holy person again. Something inside me yearns for a medical exposition of this event:
The actual cause of death by crucifixion was multifactoral and varied somewhat with each case, but the two most prominent causes were probably hypovolemic shock and exhaustion asphyxia. Other possible contributing factors included dehydration, stress-induced arrhythmias, and congestive heart failure with the rapid accumulation of pericardial and perhaps pleural effusions. Crucifracture (breaking the legs below the knees), if performed, led to an asphysic death within minutes. Death by crucifixion was, in every sense of the word, excruciating (Latin, excruciatus, or "out of the cross").

link to detailed, medical outline and another scientific perspective
If that wasn't enough, recent evidence increases the potential pain of the condemned. Male readers may find biting down hard on a wooden spoon will help them read further:
...Crucifixion methods probably evolved over time and depended on the social status of the victim and on the crime he allegedly committed...
The cross could be erected "in any one of a range of orientations", with the victim sometimes head-up, sometimes head-down or in different postures.

Sometimes he was nailed to the cross by his genitals, sometimes the hands and feet were attached to the side of the cross and not the front, or affixed with cords rather than nails.

"If crucified head-up, the victim's weight may also have been supported on a small seat. This was believed to prolong the time it took a man to die," says the study, co-authored by Matthew Masien, also of Imperial College London's medicine faculty.

link to full article
Needless to say, the fact that early Christians did not get wind of this development in the crucifixion of genitals can only be a good thing. I wince at the range of gold plated idol jewelry now occupying my imagination. A distraction is in order...

Today's Mu Haiku (if you choose to accept it)...

The impact of Jesus' testicles on the future of Crucifixion idolatry:

How should Christian society put positive spin on the news that Jesus' nuts were nobbled to the cross? A better man than myself might write a Mu Haiku thus:
The Lord said unto
Heaven and Earth: Hallowed be
his holy gonads.
What 5 - 7 - 5 ways can you find around this problem?

Everyone knows that the mutilated testicles of Jesus will help raise humanity to their ultimate destiny beyond the clouds - but don't get too excited! When God invented masturbation, he didn't expect such a positive response:

God's birthright to us is joy, happiness, and health, and there are few moments more joyous than the moment of orgasm. Therefore, every time we masturbate, we should say a prayer of gratitude, thanking the Lord for our bodies, for sexual pleasure, and for masturbation as a means of experiencing the bliss of orgasm.

Mu to that!

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Blogger Danieru said...

What is the process behind Mu Haiku? Here's an idea:

Mu is a Japanese and Chinese word regarding an absence of/in the negative. When one desires an answer, but your question makes false assumptions, the answer can only be Mu. A radical change of perspective is required before the Mu can be overcome.

Go do that 5 - 7 - 5 thing!

April 03, 2006 4:45 AM    

Anonymous Dwayne M. said...

Here's a go...

the nuts were stapled

cruelty fastened them there

yet still do we love

April 03, 2006 10:37 PM    

Blogger Jennyology said...

When holy balls bled
did Jesus gaze upon his
virgins with regret?

April 04, 2006 2:25 AM    

Anonymous Roland said...

like all good philosophies,
turns out to be balls.

April 05, 2006 4:41 PM    

Blogger Vinícius said...

Sooo... was this just about religious intolerance or you actually had some point here? Nevermind...

February 24, 2008 1:09 AM    

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